A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.” “I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00."
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question; and, if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; but, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a 5-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes down with 4?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and all of his friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to go back to sleep. The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He is more than a little frustrated. He wakes the blonde and asks, "So? What does go up a hill with 3 legs and come down with 4?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.