The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us
What's the difference between God and an attorney?
God doesn't think he's an attorney.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
What is a criminal lawyer?
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Lawyers are like slinkies...
Not really good for anything......
But they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
Two Boys' Fathers
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. "Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what's yours?"
"Tommy," replied the other.
"My daddy's an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
"He's a lawyer," Tommy answers.
"Honest?" says Billy.
"No, just the regular kind."
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
A drunk stands up in a bar, and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" Another patron nearby responds, "Hey, I resent that!" The drunk asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?" To which the other patron responds: "No, I'm an asshole."
Why do they bury lawyers 100 feet into the ground?
Because down deep, they're good people.
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. Youlie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned ! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
The Truck Driver, Priest, and Lawyer
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Snobish doctors only like to become doctors to feel like as if they are Gods. Lawyers marry or date doctors so they can feel like as if they can control God.
Engineers always should go to heaven. But when a engineer only mistakenly goes to hell, God can never sue to bring the engineer to heaven from hell because God can never find a lawyer due to the fact that all lawyers only go to hell. If a lawyer mistakenly goes to heaven God will surely shoot that lawyer all the way down forever to burning hell ,...and much better God will also enjoy it.